


Shake it Up Baby

by Dresupi



Category: Deadpool (2016), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Bad Flirting, F/M, Ficlet, Pre-Relationship, Prompt Fill, Swearing, Wade Wilson Breaking the Fourth Wall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-20
Updated: 2016-01-20
Packaged: 2018-08-19 13:24:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8210143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dresupi/pseuds/Dresupi
Summary: Darcy's purse gets stolen in the supermarket and Wade deploys all weapons in his arsenal to get it back.  In this case, his arsenal consists of all the bottles of soda in the grocery store.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Prompted by an anon on tumblr. "Twist & Shout" -the Beatles. Darcy/Wade

“Hey…HEY!”  

Wade peered around the corner of the cereal aisle.  Cinnamon Toast Crunch firmly in hand. Don’t really hear much yelling in the grocery store.  Usually.  Sometimes, you get the random kid that screams for no reason.  Just because you pull up your mask and make faces at them.  Whatever.  Kids are weird.

This wasn’t a kid driving their mom nuts.  No, it was a woman.  She was chasing after some dude in a hoodie.  Yelling about her purse. 

_Oh…wow…she’s pretty._

_-She needs help._

_So pretty…wow…_

_-Literally a damsel in distress._

_Oh right.  I can help. There’s a merc for that._

A quick glance at his surroundings and he had a plan. 

_-You never have a plan_

He had a part of a plan. 

_-You’re just going to knock over those sodas, aren’t you?_

It was a good plan.

_-You do realize you’ll probably have to pay for th—oh you’re already doing it, never mind…_

The sodas rolled out in front of Hoodie Man and tripped him up.  He was slipping and sliding like he was on the Flintstones before he fell on his ass. 

The thing about bottles of soda.  If they fall from a reasonable height, they bounce a little. If they fall from say…four or five feet up, they bounce a lot.  And when they bounce, they shake.  And when they shake…pressure builds up.  And when the pressure builds up too much…

They become fucking syrup rockets.  Which while it might sound like an awesome gimmick IHOP comes up with for Space Week…is in reality, quite messy. 

And slippery in liquid form.  As evidenced by aforementioned beautiful woman slipping and hurdling towards the floor. 

_Not on my watch._

He ran for her, getting there just in time to help her up out of the puddle of orange soda and ginger ale.  Oringer ale. 

Not the smoothest rescue in the world, but he got her purse back. 

And the wannabe pickpocket was going to front the bill for the sodas. 

And they all lived happily ever after. 

_-No.  Stretch it out.  The word count’s low.  Talk about HER._

Oh.  Right. 

She asked him to walk her home.  DARCY did.  Her name is Darcy.  Darcy Lewis.  Who actually works for Tony Stark.  Who employed Happy Hogan.  Who knew a guy who knew a guy who knew a guy who knew a guy who punched this other guy who married this woman whose BROTHER hired him once.  Small world huh? 

“So…uh…” she grinned widely.  “Can I see your face?” 

“Uh...wouldn’t you rather NOT see my face?  Doesn’t that make this more mysterious or something?” 

“Wait.  Are you like…a superhero or something?  You don’t want to give away your alter ego?  Like Spiderman?” 

“Exactly…except not Spiderman.  I’m completely finished with puberty, thank you very much.” 

She pursed her lips and nodded.  “Who are you then?  What do I call you?”  

“Uhh…well…for all intents and purposes, you can just call me Deadpool.” 

“Like…first name Dead, last name Pool?  Or all one word?” 

“All one word?” 

“Right. Yeah.  You’re the guy who keeps trying to join the Avengers. The Merc with a Mouth.”

So he had a rep at Stark Tower.  Very nice.    

“Do you know how many kittens I’ve put in trees so I could rescue them to get my application accepted?  They’re Dicaprio-ing me!” 

“Because they’re not giving you any Oscars?” 

“No.  Because they’re leaving me to FREEZE in the cold water while that woman who posed nude for me like one of my French girls gets to float on a door!”

She frowned. “Wait…I’m confused…are the Avengers the woman?  Are the Avengers posing nude for you?  Because if they are…then I think we should hang out more.” 

_That’s our in._

_-That’s a terrible in.  She’s going to know you’re lying when she hangs out and there aren’t any nude superheroes._

_I could very easily be naked._

_-I don’t think she wants to see that.  And you’re not a superhero.  You’re an anti-hero._

_HEY.  The hero is in the eye of the beholder._

“Yes...???  They are?? They’re just…all the time naked.  ‘Naked time at DP’s!’ That’s what they say.” 

She smirked, “Are you just saying that to get me to hang out with you more?” 

“There is a 100% chance of that being correct, yes.” 

She laughed.  “Well…you seem pretty cool. And I could always use someone new to hang out with.  Like…you’re not going to ask me to bring you food?  Or grunt at me for coffee or pop tarts, are you?” 

“No…I always provide my own coffee and pop tarts.  But…please feel free to grunt at me for ANY reason, like if YOU need coffee…or pop tarts…or donuts…or if you want someone to whistle through their forehead…or a cheeseburger…” 

“Wait…what was that last one?” 

“Or a cheeseburger…or if you want fries with that cheeseburger…or if you want bacon on that cheeseburger…or if you want—“ 

“Oral sex?” she grinned. 

“You know…I almost did that myself once…but I couldn’t really reach…that’s not what you were asking about…you’re flirting—you’re flirting with me…” he pointed at her, nodding.  “Flirting with me and I made it weird.”

_?!_

_-?!_

She shook her head, “Didn’t say it was weird…unusual?  Sure.  I don’t think I expected to have a conversation with a superhero about sucking his own dick, but ya know.  It is what it is.  And what that is…is kind of impressive, I must say.” 

“I would have had it too…but I kind of…yeah…broke my hip.” 

She frowned, “What?” 

“Oh.  Right.  Yeah. That happens.  It’s cool though.  Healing factor?  Like Wolverine?  Do you know Wolverine?  Have you met Wolverine?” 

She nodded.  “Yeah, I know Logan.” 

“You KNOW Logan, or you know Logan?” 

_Because if she KNOWS Logan…I have some questions for her._

“Oh God, no…he drinks too much.  Smokes too much.  And he’s…” she trailed off. 

Wade pulled himself up to his full height, which happened to be several inches taller than her. “Fun size?” 

She laughed.  “Kind of…”  She stopped in front of an apartment.  “This is me.” 

He looked up at it.  Nice neighborhood.  Good.  So he wouldn’t have to station himself in an alley to make sure nothing worse than a puddle showed up outside her door. 

He wouldn’t have to.  He probably would, though. 

“You hungry?” she asked.  “I make a mean lasagna, but it’s just me, I can never eat it all.”

He shrugged, “I could eat.  I mean…as long as the lasagna’s real and not some pretense to get me into your apartment so you can have your wicked way with me…” 

“No.  It’s just lasagna.” 

“Good, because I would HATE for this to turn into some deep meaningful relationship.” 

“Same.  I hate when that happens…feelings BAD.  Lasagna GOOD.” 

He stepped into her entryway.  “Name’s Wade, by the way.” 

She turned to look at him.  Peer up at his mask like she could through it.  “Suits you…yeah.  I like it. Now, if you’ll excuse me…I’m going to go change.  Because I’m covered in soda and my panties are stuck to me.” 

_Sticky panties?  That sounds like a magical thing…wait.  WAIT.  You’re not just going to leave it there with sticky panties, are you?  ARE YOU?  Answer me, Author Lady…are you—_

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](http://dresupi.tumblr.com/)!


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